Grief
by MOCHS
Summary: The five stages of grief written as five short journal entries from Ada's point of view as she deals with an event involving a certain blonde agent. Sadness ahead.
1. Denial

**Denial**

Hey Handsome,

You would know that I'm not the type to pen my personal thoughts but they told me to write down my feelings so you would be able to read them when you get back. Well, keeping a journal wouldn't hurt, I can always burn this anyway.

It's been a week since I last saw you and already, I am missing you so much. It's so odd since we spent more than a decade being apart from each other and we knew that we would be able to take care of ourselves until our next encounter.

Now that we married, it's unbelievable how much we are joined at the hip. Not that I dislike it, I love being with you and it's a shame we were missing out on this for most of our lives. I love the way one side of your lips quirk up when you smile, the scent of your shampoo, the way your blue eyes sparkle as you laugh, and the warmth of your arms that manages to lull me to sleep. Of course, the love making is _phenomenal_. Thank you for showing me the emotional intimacy of sex and love, Leon.

You changed me on that fateful night in Raccoon City. I was merely a heartless killing tool before that, revelling in riches after each mission, and just living a life that catered to my own selfish whims. You sacrificed yourself for me and I couldn't understand why this blonde rookie cop kept following me like a lost puppy even after receiving a bullet in the shoulder.

Your kindness and steadfast determination managed to chip away at my icy exterior that night. It allowed me to experience something I had not felt for a long time, emotion. I began to fall for you hard and fast. I'm sorry that we had to live separate lives after that but know this Leon Scott Kennedy, I never stopped loving you. It took us more than fifteen years but the wait was worth it. I took the plunge and decided to be devoted to your for rest of our lives. I was glad that you felt the same as well.

I know you forgave me for staying away for all those years but I do feel guilty that we didn't get together sooner. Maybe we would have been able to start a family together. Oh well, I let that ship sail long ago and I love spending time with you and our pet, Cobalt. I wouldn't trade our life together for anything in the World.

The furry one is now bothering me for treats. He misses you too and occupies your spot on the bed. I hope to see you soon, handsome. Come back safe.

Your loving wife,

Ada

* * *

_Author's Note: After putting Leon through hell in "Casualty", I had this idea in my head on how Ada would experience the loss of Leon. Took some months but I finally wrote them. I am aware that there is controversy on whether there really is 5 stages (or more/less) of grief but for the sake of story telling, I'm writing 5 journal entries depicting the 5 stages._

_I apologize in advance if this story makes you cry. You've been adequately warned so bring tissues for future chapters! Also, please take note that this is Ada's journal so she'll pour her heart out.  
_


	2. Anger

**Anger**

Kennedy,

I can't believe that it's been a month since I last saw you. How could you do this to me?! I gave up my career to be with you and you decided be gone after we vowed to be together forever. You didn't have to sacrifice anything! You still got to keep your government agent job after marriage. I know, I _willingly_ retired from espionage but it's just not fair that you get to see action on the field while I stay at home, worried sick on whether you're alive or not.

Now the reality has happened and I am furious that you didn't request for a transfer to be a trainer sooner. I know you have a personnel vendetta against bioterrorism but so do I! You know how I lost both parents to that and it controlled my life ever since. Seems you love fighting on the field then being with me.

I hate you for leaving me alone in this empty house with a cat that pines for you. I should have continued my solitary life as a spy and inevitably die in battle. We would both be free from any pain if we just moved on after Raccoon. Why did you have to ensnare me with your love and trap me in it? Your handsome face and gentle soul back then was such a rare combination in my life of darkness.

Why Leon? Why didn't you let me go? Was I such an elusive butterfly that you had to hold and protect? Every time you looked at me with anger when we had our guns pointed at each other and then sorrow as I left you in the lurch, I wanted to reach out to you and give in to my feelings. After all the times I went away, you could have told me outright that you wanted nothing to do with me anymore, I would have respected your wishes instead of playing this cat and mouse game that would last more than fifteen years.

I can't believe you turned the bitch spy Ada Wong into a dutiful wife that is Ada Kennedy. If people from my past saw me wallowing right now, they would laugh in my face. The feared Ada Wong has been domesticated and wouldn't kill. I should have just followed Wesker's order and assassinated you instead of saving you from Krauser. I would have been free of being haunted by a blonde agent that grew confidence and smarts over the years.

I should have kept my guard up that fateful night in the city and asked you to go away but no, something within me said I should give you a chance. I did and now I'm paying for it with the loss of my husband.

This wasn't the way I imagined to spend my life with you.

\- A

* * *

_Author's Note: Writing from Ada's point of view can be challenging since she is a woman that doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve. Since a journal is private, you can write anything you want so I've taken the creative liberty to allow Ada to express these feelings. _

_Hope you enjoyed reading Ada's deepest and (kind of) darkest thoughts._


	3. Bargaining

**Bargaining**

Dear Leon,

You already know this but I miss you terribly. I wish you could have rejected the call that fateful night and asked either Birkin or Harper to take your place. Why was I so understanding and allowed you to leave with just a hug and a kiss? I remembered how handsomely you were geared up in the black tactical outfit I grew fond of since Spain. You held me close and promised you would be back soon.

I should have asked you to decline as your parents were scheduled to visit in the next month and you know how strict the quarantine period is when you return from an area which had a biohazard outbreak. You said you would get it done within a week and come back home to me and your folks.

Given another chance to stop you from going on your last mission, I would have taken it in a heartbeat. I said I didn't want to lose you back in Raccoon City and I **meant **it. I traded my own life for yours back then and I would readily do it again. I wanted to see you safe and alive, handsome. I wanted you to be happy with me.

Alas, I have to contend with living life as a widow with our cat as comfort. If I had more time and another day, I would tell you repeatedly just how much I love you. Why must this happen to us after all we've been through together? I thought we deserved to live in peace after going through such terrifying ordeals.

If I had one more day or could turn back time, I would have persuaded you to stay. Maybe some heavenly being up there is punishing me for the sins I committed in the past by taking you away from me. If I knew that, I would have done tons of charity work to balance it out. I wish you were still here with me, Leon. I would have done _anything_ to save you from the Grim Reaper!

Yours sincerely,

Ada

* * *

_Author's Note: I know it's a short chapter regarding the topic of bargaining. Mostly because Ada doesn't feel regret for anything she has done ever since she became a spy. They taught her that every single action and motion should be done precisely and there's no turning back to what has already happened. _

_Though Ada is in a state of denial and shock, fervently wishing to turn back time because let's face it, the love of her life is dead. Who doesn't wish to have one more day with their loved one?_

_Anyway, time to reply to a review._

_To **Ayesha Aeon**: If you've read till chapter 3, you would know where is Leon..._


	4. Depression

**Depression**

My dearest husband,

I've stopped counting the days but the pain still feels raw and fresh. I don't know how I've made it this far without you beside me each day and night. Your well-meaning parents and friends tried to make me leave the house but what's the point? Whenever I go out, all I see are couples being all lovey dovey with each other and it sickens me. I rather order my groceries and necessities online and have them delivered to the doorstep.

Living on for Cobalt is hard. I found him at _your_ apartment and _we_ raised him there before moving here. Seeing him being so carefree makes me wish I was an animal leading a simple life without complex human emotions. But he always tries to comfort me when I'm down and it's so hard to not smile in his cute, furry presence.

There are days I lock myself in your office, soaking in the environment, and looking for any leftover scent that belongs to you. Just imagining you there with a smile takes me away to another world before reality comes hauling me back to the ground. It is _so_ difficult to continue going on, Leon. Each step forward is heavy and your death continues to hold me back in ways I can never imagine.

I don't know why I'm behaving like this. They warned me that being too attached to someone was a weakness. Love was an emotion us spies weren't privy to. Too many times we were dispatched to silence not only our targets, but their families as well. It was a lesson to teach us to be strong and independent. I followed that teaching for years before you found your way into my heart that fateful night.

You know how many times I have mentioned it but I was amazed on how your kindness and sacrifice managed to thaw me. If only I could have escaped with you then but my objective wasn't fulfilled… I joined the organization to achieve my goal and I had to get it at all costs.

After Raccoon, I buried all feelings I had for you but when I occasionally heard of your name, it brought a smile to my face knowing that you were still alive. I wasn't aware that you were sent to Spain and you had no idea how much I wanted to embrace you then. Of course, you understood years later that I had a job to do and I was being carefully watched by Wesker and Krauser. Again, I apologize for being so secretive and putting a gun to your head, even though the chamber was empty.

It was fun crossing paths every now and then years later. My only regret was not reaching out to you sooner when I cut myself free from the organization after learning of their betrayal to me. I wasted _years_ serving them and in the end, my objective was never completed. I wish I knew of the truth sooner, we would have had more years together.

I miss you so much, Leon. I just want to hold you again and see you smile. Living without you is _**agonizing**_. I don't know how others do it but I'm afraid I'm fighting a losing battle.

Your dispirited wife,

Ada

* * *

_Author's Note: After living a life alone and then suddenly transitioning to marriage, dealing with loss will be difficult for Ada. Loss is something she put behind her and hasn't touched a long time ago._

_I hate putting Ada through such pain but the last chapter is nearing and this momentary sadness will end very soon. _

_Review reply time._

_To **frozenheart7**: Thanks!_


	5. Acceptance

**Acceptance**

Leon,

I hope you forgive me but I have sold off all our possessions and left the house in your parents' names. Well, they don't know it yet but my letter would be reaching them soon. If I need to move on and let everything go, the first step would be to move out of our matrimonial home. Thank you for all the memories there, my love. I have absolutely no regrets marrying you. In fact, our marriage has been a joyous period in my entire existence.

Regrettably, I'm not taking Cobalt to where I'm going. I gave him all my love when Ingrid took him in. You've seen how wonderfully he gets along with her pets and I'm sure he'll be very pleased and comfortable in his new home and family. I am glad to have given Cobalt a safe haven and cherished him with all my heart when he was with us. That will be a fond recollection I will take with me on my journey.

I can't believe it took me half a year to come to this decision but now, I am fully prepared for this new adventure. There can be only so much wallowing and self-pity I can bestow on myself before it gets toxic. This interesting life has taught me so much and I have forgotten that you can't look back on the past and think of the 'what ifs?' It is impossible to turn back the clock no matter how hard you wish for it. The most logical option is to keep moving forward and that is what I shall do.

I have said what I needed to say and everything has been accounted for. I can already count the number of detractors who will be against this outcome but what do they know about me? Have they walked in my shoes and experienced what I've felt since the tender age of 10? It's _my _life and I'm taking the reins of my destiny. No one else gets to decide what's best to me but myself.

They said till death do us part? Well, I say in the afterlife we shall meet. I love you and I shall see you again shortly, Leon.

Ada

* * *

_Author's Note: I know some of you will have mixed feelings about Ada committing suicide. Let's be real here, Ada gave up being a spy so there's nothing for her to go back to. She also lost her husband and is very much alone. Yes, Leon's parents are there for her but she doesn't connect to them the way she connects with Leon. _

_I know there are people who frown on suicide but there are others out there in the real world who continue to suffer despite all the help they received. It's not that they're ungrateful, they have nothing to live for any more._

_Again, this is a fan fic, a "What If?" story so if you don't like it, you can read my happier and much more romantic Aeon fics. I just wanted to try writing some sad and depressing stories. I was also inspired by another Aeon fic I read a couple of years ago where Leon pulls the gun on himself as he cradles Ada's dead body. =(_

_If you read till the end, thank you for sticking with me for these 5 journal entries. If I made you cry, I send virtual hugs and cookies in your direction. Hopefully, my next Aeon story, whenever I write it, will be more upbeat. _

_Take care!_


End file.
